Candlelight Vigil Held To Commemerate Lack Of Poon

By , in Campus News slider on . Tagged width: , , ,
bright-72804_640
The vigil’s flaming candles are to represent the still-burning lust and passion that resides within the loins of the sexually-frustrated student body.

WESTWOOD – Students at UCLA prepare to weep in solidarity at the overwhelming lack of poon. This weekend a vigil will be held on campus outside Royce steps to commemorate the tail that students have not been getting.

“It’s a very serious issue,” reported Robert Jimenez, president of the Get Some Society (GSS). “We want to encourage a healthy, sexual, sexy environment on campus, but for some students, it’s just not happening.”

“I haven’t chugged a single dick this quarter,” said Jessica Larettes, third year computer science major. “And don’t try to tell me science is sexy. No one wants to get busy with me when I’m getting busy with code. Try and tell me C++ is sexy – it’s not. I’ve never once coded so hard I gave anyone a boner.”

The lack of “some” that students have been getting is not just limited to females or science majors. Statistics indicate that an overwhelming 43% of females and 56% of males on campus are not sexually active. Of these students, 69% are south campus majors, 30% north campus, and 1% writers for campus-based satirical papers.

The event this Saturday will include spoken word, beat poetry, and speeches written by members of the GSS, followed by an open mic portion of the evening.

“Afterwards, we encourage students to drink until they find each other attractive and maybe quell the drought that has struck our campus. California only has enough water for a year, but campus doesn’t even have enough pussy for the now,” concluded Jimenez.

Want to join in on the discussion? Tweet @WestwoodEnabler with #UCLADrought