MEMPHIS, TN – Julianna Norton, a 12-year old cancer patient at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, told reporters Thursday night that she has regrets about her Locks of Love wig and is now considering “just being bald again”. Norton was the recipient of the famous red locks donated by two-time Olympic gold medalist and not three-time Olympic gold medalist Shaun White through the Locks of Love program. “I never should’ve signed up for this stupid thing,” lamented Norton, running her fingers despondently through her transplanted red mane.
In the men’s Olympic halfpipe final held last week, heavily-favored snowboarder Shaun White failed to even make the podium in his bid to capture a third consecutive gold medal, being surpassed by Switzerland’s Iouri “iPod” Podlatchikov and Japan’s Ayumu Hirano and Taku Hiraoka. Since then, Julianna Norton has become the laughing stock of the entire hospital. “All the other patients make fun of me, even Terminal Tommy. The other kids in my support group call me names like ‘Overrated’ and ‘the Dying Tomato’, and they tease me for skipping chemo to focus on my radiation therapy.”
Yet, Norton downplayed harassment by her peers and instead focused on her own self-inflicted humiliation, “The cruel insults and constant bullying aren’t even the worst of it. Really, I’m just so ashamed of myself. It’s depressing. Every day when I brush my teeth, I have to look in the mirror and see that glaring red reminder of American disappointment sitting atop my head. Whenever I let my hair down, I feel like I let down my country.”
Should she have to be put on life support anytime soon, Norton told her parents that she wants them to “Definitely pull the plug.” Norton continued excitedly, “Pull it. Pull it fast. Just grip it, and yank it out of there. If you’re not looking at an empty electrical socket when I die, you’ve failed me just like Shaun White failed America.” Norton, though, is nowhere close to facing such a life-or-death decision. In fact, her doctors said that up until now, she had made significant progress and that her cancer was close to being in remission. However, Norton recently took up chain smoking and switched to a diet consisting only of bacon, French fries, and soda in an attempt to undo all the years of treatment she already underwent.
While searching the web for the “pros and cons of euthanasia”, Julianna’s mother Melissa Norton stumbled upon a very plausible solution to her daughter’s dilemma: a new set of hair. “I was just reading an article on Buzzfeed about the ‘26 Least-Regretted Assisted Suicides of All Time’ when I glimpsed another article called ‘1 Sign You Need To Get A New Wig’, ” revealed Melissa Norton. “My daughter doesn’t like the hair she has, so she needs different hair. It’s ingenious really.”
After hearing of her mother’s brilliant proposal, Julianna remarked, “I wish I had iPod’s hair, or even just Ayumu’s or Taku’s hair. I’m not too picky.” Her parents reportedly filed a request with the Make a Wish Foundation to see if their daughter’s wish may be fulfilled. However, Julianna will have to wait a long while to be rid of her “scarlet mop”, as she is far down the priority list. She is expected to have to wait another four years to cast off her disgrace.
“I can see now why Shaun didn’t want the hair anymore,” concluded Julianna.