Are you tired of watching your friends bring home a different partner after every party? Sick of being sexiled? Just plain lonely and bitter? The Westwood Enabler is here to help you! Follow this simple guide, and everyone else’s Thursday will remain just as thirsty as yours.
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1.Always be checking in with your friends. Especially if they give you looks that would ward off a puma. If a friend is female, it is perfectly acceptable to continually grab her wrist and look her in the eyes while saying, “Are you sure you want to do this?”
2.Tell your friends they’ve had too much to drink to make this decision, even if they’re sober. You can always convince their partner that your friend simply does this when he or she is this wasted. Kick them in the shin so that when you drag them off, their drunken stumble is realistic.
3.Don’t take hints. Stand in between your friend and their prospective sex partner. If one of them suggests going somewhere else, respond with an enthusiastic “boy, howdy!” and follow right along.
GENERAL CLAM JAMS
1.If there is a male involved, yell “SHOTS!” at him until whiskey-dick becomes inevitable.
2.Very slowly pull your friend away from his or her potential partner and attempt to draw them into a conversation. Alternatively, deadeye the sex fiend and drag your friend away.
3.Cause some sort of emergency. Blow up the building. Set the bar on fire. Force everyone to evacuate, and in the chaos, drag your friends into a nearby ravine until the thirst is less real.
4.Carry a squirt bottle. If your friend starts to look like they might be having more fun than you, spray them. When they shout “What the fuck?”, respond: “For your thirst.”
1.If your roommate wants to bring someone back, refuse to leave. If they’re vague and ask if they can have a guest, say “sure!” and break out the cheese and crackers. If they specifically say they want to sexile you, tell them your room is an untouchable oasis, not to be desanctified by the abomination of intercourse. Your roommate might hate you. That’s okay.
2.If your roommate beats you back to your room, insist on coming in. “Hey, is that Laura from physics? Hi Laura! I want to hang out too. Guys!” It’s a faux pas you’re going to have to make.
3.If someone hands your friend a drink, smack it out of their hand and invariably yell, “THAT COULD BE ROOFIED!” before shooting dirty looks about the room. Remember, if you gain the reputation of the crazy friend, no one will want to approach any of your friends!
4.If it looks like your friend is going to get jiggy in a vehicle, hop in and ask for a ride.
5.If someone approaches your friend to dance, cut them off and grind on your friend. Gender, orientation, height, doesn’t matter. Jump on in there.
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By the end of the evening, you should have no friends and no sex either. Of course, you could also spend the evening trying to get laid instead of cockblocking your friends, but where’s the fun in that?…❖