Buttigieg Worried He Won’t Win Enough States To Become Real Boy

Graphic by Dylan Wood

SOUTH BEND, IN — Despite recent success in Iowa and New Hampshire, sources close to Pete Buttigieg claim that the Democratic hopeful is worried he won’t be able to win enough primary states to become a real boy. “See, this all started when a fairy tasked me with getting an inanimate puppet elected president,” commented campaign chair J. Cricket on the diminutive mayor. “This is his last chance to prove he has what it takes to become a living, breathing, human person. If he doesn’t get the nomination by the stroke of midnight at the Democratic Convention, he’ll become a lifeless block of wood once more.” In more bad news for Buttigieg, new polls in South Carolina have shown the electoral strategy of “wishing upon a star” being mostly ineffective in winning over the black vote.

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About Dylan Wood 15 Articles
Dylan Wood is an American actor and filmmaker. He is known for his comedic and dramatic roles in such films as Splash (1984), Big (1988), Turner & Hooch (1989), Sleepless in Seattle (1993), Forrest Gump(1994), Apollo 13 (1995), You've Got Mail (1998), Cast Away (2000), Captain Phillips(2013), Saving Mr. Banks (2013), Sully (2016), and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019). He has also starred in the Robert Langdon films, and he voices Sheriff Woody in the Toy Story film series. He is one of the most popular and recognizable film stars worldwide, and he is widely regarded as an American cultural icon.