Report: Your Neighbor Only Practices Trombone Because He Hates You
WESTWOOD — After careful consideration of the evidence, we’re certain that your neighbor- the one saved in your phone as “Angus from Apartment 216”- only […]
Month: January 2022
Ronald Reagan Medical Center To Be Renamed After President Who Didn’t Suck
WESTWOOD — In light of new allegations of terrible-ness, both students and administrators at UCLA are proposing that the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center be […]
“F*ck You!” And 4 Other Mean Things To Say
Nice guys finish last, but take my word for it, being an utterly irredeemable piece of human garbage is difficult. To help you out, the […]
Poli-Sci Major Excommunicated For Playing Devil’s Advocate At Baptism
RANCHO CUCAMONGA — Third-year political science major Brendan O’Neill’s hopes of becoming a Godfather came crashing down last Sunday, when he was forcibly removed from […]
Safety Legends! This Restaurant Switched Their Food To QR Codes
LOS ANGELES — Public health officials clapped when local restaurant Joe’s Burgers, already having replaced its paper menus with QR codes, doubled down on safety […]
Report: Daily Symptom Screening Questionnaire Just Asked For Your Cup Size?
WESTWOOD — This morning, while you were filling out the daily symptom screening questionnaire, it asked you for your cup size. “We know it can […]
“PU!” And 3 Other Things Not To Say To Your Grandma At Her Wake
There’s a fine line between witty and worrisome at important events such as the wake of your grandmother, so here are four things not to […]
BREAKING: Humanities Student Applies To Law School
WESTWOOD — UCLA has once again distinguished itself as a prestigious university following a groundbreaking move by history major Daniel Pelzman, who defied societal expectations […]
2,022 Things To Look Forward To In 2022
2021 has wrapped up and we are now in a new year. Change can be scary, so here is a list of 2,022 things that […]