“F*ck You!” And 4 Other Mean Things To Say

Nice guys finish last, but take my word for it, being an utterly irredeemable piece of human garbage is difficult. To help you out, the Westwood Enabler has compiled a list of five things you can say to be a big ol’ meany pants.

1. “Fuck you!”

This one has obviously been overdone. If I got a million dollars every time someone said “Fuck you!” to me I would be rich. Nevertheless, if you randomly say this to someone, they probably will not take it too kindly.

2. “I wish that silver Prius that almost ran you over at Strathmore and Gayley had actually ran you over.”

We’ve all been nearly run over by a silver 2011 Toyota Prius (with license plate “9OBN332”) at the intersection of Gayley Avenue and Strathmore Drive. If you want to go a step further, you can remind them that while they did have the right of way when they crossed the street at 3:42pm on November 17th, 2021, you still think they should have gotten hit because they forgot to wave back at you that one time you saw each other on Bruin Walk.

3. “Late for dinner”

Do I even need to explain this one? Only call someone this when you really want to make them feel like a sad sack of shit, and even then you might be pushing it.

4. “Go to hell”

Nobody actually wants to go there.

5. “Pants Pisser”

Louie, if you are reading this, I’m sorry. I know you were confiding in me when you told me you wet your pants, and I apologize for calling you a “Pants Pisser” in front of the whole grade. I embarrassed you in front of everybody, and, more importantly, I betrayed your trust in me. I know words can only do so much and that this apology, masked as a satirical newspaper article, cannot undo all the damage that I have done. I know Sebastian broke up with you after the incident, I know none of the teachers could look you in the eye anymore, and I know you lost all your friends because of the gossip that ensued. I am sorry and I did not mean for any of that to happen… but that’s what you get for pissing your pants in the middle of our high school graduation. Pants pisser.

About Robi Chatterjee 9 Articles
Robi Chatterjee writes stuff, but not bios. Writing bios is lame. Also it's pronounced "Row-B" not "Raw-B".