WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following new revelations about his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, who he calls “the greatest pedophile of all time,” President Donald J. Trump decided to formally apologize by giving a local 15-year-old girl a big ol’ smooch. “I’m so sorry for being a pedophile,” said Trump, a single tear smudging his signature bronze face as a crowd of reporters snapped photos of the emotional moment. “I wish I could give every underage girl in our beautiful country a beautiful apology kiss on the lips with tongue, but I can’t. If I’m truly sorry about anything, it’s that.” Following Trump’s apology, Little Saint James was renamed “The Isle of America” in honor of the president’s fallen comrade.