Ask The Enabler: Is It Too Late To Cancel My Den Pass Refund?
Dear Westwood Enabler, I bought a Den Pass to maximize my time at UCLA and to give my uncle yet another excuse to bet on […]
football
Jerry Neuheisel Admits to Using Etsy Witch After Win Against Penn State
WESTWOOD — In a press conference following UCLA Football’s upset victory against now-unranked Penn State, UCLA interim offensive coordinator Jerry Neuheisel revealed that he had […]
Penn State Score Prediction: 22 Dead, 83 Injured
PASADENA — As Penn State’s Nittany Lions prepare to play the Bruins this Saturday, recent reports from the top experts at FanDuel Sportsbook have revealed […]
Opinion: The Fight Song Shouldn’t Have Words
In light of football season starting again, I needed to mentally prepare myself for another fall quarter of watching us crap the bed every single […]
Opinion: Too Bad, AFSCME! We Are Spending Five Million Dollars On A New Quarterback
Dear Bruin Community: At UCLA, promoting the well-being of the Bruin family is our top priority. As your Chancellor, I do all kinds of […]
Charlie Brown Diagnosed With CTE
ANYTOWN, USA – After getting his 7th concussion from failing to kick the football, Charlie Brown has been diagnosed with chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). “Wah […]
UCLA Football Salvages Season With Win Over Brentwood Elementary Pee-Wee Football Team
ROSE BOWL — UCLA Football ended its season on a positive note following their late fourth-quarter comeback against the Brentwood Elementary Pee-Wee Football Team. “What […]
Rivalry Game Held at Actual Coliseum, Features Deadly Gladiatorial Combat
ROME — Football fans were shocked on Saturday when this year’s “Battle for LA” did not take place in the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, but […]
Tom Brady Taking Gap Year
TAMPA — After 22 years in the NFL, veteran quarterback Tom Brady has announced that he will be leaving the game of football. “I don’t […]
UCLA Threatens To Leak Social Security Numbers If USC Wins (On Purpose This Time)
WESTWOOD — In a joint statement released today, Chip Kelly, Martin Jarmond, and Gene Block threatened to purposefully leak the entire UCLA student body’s social […]