Dear Mr. Hugh G. Fricke,
We regret to inform you that your employment as a UCLA New Student Advisor has been terminated effective immediately. Despite your relatively unproblematic performance in guiding newly admitted students around campus, we, as a team, have concluded that your conduct outside of work is abhorrent and completely unacceptable.
Approximately three days ago, the NSA team manager came across an Instagram Reels post showing an AI-generated anthropomorphic cat lady with voluptuous breasts dancing seductively and wearing a shirt with the text “I <3 men who whimper.” Next to the caption, a bubble with a heart and your profile picture appeared, indicating you liked this post. Although he was quite disturbed, the manager gave you the benefit of the doubt under the assumption that you meant to report the post and accidentally pressed ‘like’ in doing so.
However, just five minutes later, he scrolled to another reel that you not only liked but also reposted. It depicted a jar with a Jack Black Minecraft Steve action figure about 35% full with what is implied to be semen, accompanied by a male voice repeatedly moaning the words “I’m jorking it.” While we strongly believe in the First Amendment, we feel that we have the right to suspend it in this particular case based on your lack of self-awareness and vile true nature.
Considering your Instagram account is public, is named ‘ILuvBabyBruins498’, and clearly shows you wearing a UCLA NSA polo in the profile picture, we cannot have your disgusting fetish content tarnishing the reputation of such a respectable family of Bruin student advisors. Therefore, we are obligated to take the necessary action to maintain our current pristine image. Please do not under any circumstances consider appealing this termination; we do not want your degenerate ass back on the team.
For fuck’s sake, man, you have a goddamn digital footprint.
Yours insincerely,
The New Students and Transitions Office Team
