Birthday Girl Neglected By World For Remaining 364 Days Of The Year
TOLEDO, OH — Following the birthday celebration of 20-year old Ayah Zobi, all living organisms from protists to senior citizens across all 196 nations of […]
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Students Vow To Start Procrastinating Earlier In Quarter
WESTWOOD – After an academically disappointing quarter, a group of second-year UCLA students has resolved to start procrastinating earlier next quarter. “Normally I don’t feel guilty […]
6 AM Great Time To Leaf-Blow Outside Dorms
WESTWOOD – Recent reports from UCLA groundskeepers indicate that 6AM is the ideal time to leaf-blow the area outside of the dorms. “It’s so quiet, […]
Scientists Begin Construction On Robots That Will Eventually Conquer Humanity
by Nathan Guzik Robotics Engineers at MIT have made substantial progress on a revolutionary new model of robot, expected to attain sentience and enslave all […]
Rick Astley: ‘Never Gonna Give You Up, Never Gonna Let You Down’
LONDON—It’s evening and Rick Astley stands along a section of waterfront in a nameless side street in West London. He sports a pale tan trenchcoat […]
4 Students Found Dead In Deep Recesses of Library Stacks
WESTWOOD—In what began as a potential footnote on an extra credit paper for the course HIST151P, History of Scottish Paedophilia, 3rd year Communications major Lou […]
Parkour Club Submits Request To Move Buildings Closer Together
WESTWOOD—Noting the present difficulty in performing cross-building vaults, badass flips, roof-to-roof diving rolls and miscellaneous leaps, UCLA’s parkour club submitted a petition today demanding that […]
The W.E. Guide To History: Black Friday
LOS ANGELES — As seems to be the case with most if not all of our cherished American traditions, Black Friday has a much “darker” […]
Obama Pardons Terrorist Turkey
WASHINGTON D.C. – This Wednesday, President Obama participated in the annual tradition of the Thanksgiving Turkey Pardon. Unusually, Obama chose a turkey from Guantanamo Bay. Truffles […]
Students Disappointed At Enormous Activities Fair’s Lack Of Enormous Activities
WESTWOOD—“I’ve never felt so bitterly disappointed in my life,” said freshman Emily Offshore. Like many others, Offshore visited UCLA’s Enormous Activities Fair (EAF) to view the […]