Ted Lieu Voted Sexiest Man Alive By Bruin Democrats
WESTWOOD — At the club’s most recent policy meeting, members of Bruin Democrats unanimously voted California Representative Ted Lieu the “sexiest man alive,” the group’s […]
Campus
Introducing Murry Bartow: Interim Men’s Basketball Head Coach
WESTWOOD — After firing Steve Alford earlier this year following a particularly ugly start to the season for the Bruins’ men’s basketball team, the school […]
Kerckhoff to Begin Marketing New “Adderall Blend”
WESTWOOD — In light of declining sales for their signature cold brew coffee beverage last quarter, Kerckhoff Coffee House has begun testing a marketing campaign […]
On-Campus Burlington Coat Factory to Replace John Wooden Center
WESTWOOD — In a statement made this week by Gregg Goldman, Vice Chancellor and CFO of UCLA, it was announced that the campus’s entire John […]
Ninth Circle Of Hell Just Murphy Hall
VATICAN CITY — At a recent papal summit, Pope Francis confirmed that Murphy Hall lies within the boundaries of Hell’s most treacherous and damning circle. “You might […]
Uber Driver Trapped In Eternal Loop Around Hill
WESTWOOD — Uber driver Zvonko Christensen has reportedly been trapped in an eternal loop around the residence halls of UCLA, tirelessly navigating the winding one-way roads […]
“Californians Are So Afraid of Rain,” Says Student From State Terrified of Immigrants
WESTWOOD — After an unprecedented week of sporadic rain across Los Angeles county, first year UCLA student Dustin Foster controversially declared to his distracted roommate […]
Third Year Drops GE Because Professor is a Triple Water Sign
WESTWOOD — In a totally Virgo move, third-year English major Alison Wong dropped her religious studies course after discovering her professor was a triple water sign. “I’m […]
LGBTQ Center’s Free Printing Jeopardizes Straight Man’s Heterosexual Reputation
WESTWOOD — Red Bull Campus Ambassador Colin Greene was seen lingering an appropriate fifteen feet outside of the UCLA LGBTQ Center, contemplating whether he should enter the […]
Breaking: Professor Enters Classroom With Saxophone
WESTWOOD, 10:07 a.m. — Westwood Enabler reporters have obtained disturbing reports from campus administration that a professor has entered the Boelter Hall amphitheatre with a […]