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Awkward: Tensions Rise Between These Two Neighboring Countries

March 20, 2023 Sophia Balkovski 0

Former Horse Girl Now Ketamine Addict

March 20, 2023 Idil Çenberci 0

LOUISVILLE, K.Y.— Retired jockey and racehorse enthusiast Hannah Ryder has recently developed a horsey addiction to ketamine. “It started as a bonding activity with my […]

UCLA Spins Wheel Of Random Names To Pick Class Of 2027

March 15, 2023 Rujula Rao 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA announced Wednesday that they would be switching to a 100% chance admission system for the incoming class of 2027. “Our job is […]

Scooter Reaches Mach 5 Down Bruinwalk

March 13, 2023 Idil Çenberci and Gabe McNeill 0

WESTWOOD— Students were shocked this morning when student athlete Will B. Quick achieved the speed of Mach 5 scootering down Bruinwalk. “All I saw was […]

Complaining About the Rain? Don’t Worry, Climate Change Will Get Rid Of It

March 1, 2023 Tyler Neufeld 0

WESTWOOD — You’ve been complaining for two months now about the rain we’ve gotten this winter. You’re telling everyone that you’re sick and tired of […]

“This Is Not A Drill!” Says Man Holding Hammer

February 27, 2023 Rujula Rao 0

Opinion: How I Get So Much Volume In My Hair I Can’t Hear My Roommate Face-Timing Her Boyfriend

February 27, 2023 Melissa Beining 0

Step 1: I take a shower. This gives me an excuse to avoid hearing my roommate cycle through pet names for her five foot eight […]

Opinion: No, Your Shared Spotify Playlist With Your Ex Is Not A Subliminal Message

January 17, 2023 Hi girlie! It’s your bestie. You missed my last 47 texts, but I’m telling you: you CANNOT get back together with your shitty ex! 0

I know what it’s like to go through a break up. I understand the urge to read into their every Instagram like and Bitmoji location […]

Fetishist Senator Gravely Misunderstands U.S.’ Inflation Problem

January 9, 2023 Lucas Humel 0

WASHINGTON, D.C.— The office of Senator Martha Lovelace (R-AR) is scrambling to spin an unfortunate gaffe made in the joint committee on taxation hearings earlier […]

Exhausted Dominatrix Hits The Sack

January 9, 2023 Elena Whitlock 0

Posts pagination

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  • Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed

    It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]

  • Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava

    WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]

  • Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

    WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

  • two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

    Skeletons In Closet Come Out

  • Supreme Court Brings Back Three-Fifths Compromise

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare […]

Featured Authors

mm
Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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