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Articles by Alyssa Wong

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About Alyssa Wong
Alyssa Wong has watched the critically panned 1999 family comedy Baby Geniuses six times and thought it was really, really good every single time. Like a Baby Genius, Alyssa’s human speech is digitally animated using 2D warping techniques. When Alyssa turns three, they will lose their secret, universal knowledge and cross over into the adult world — a Baby Genius no longer.

Bruin Walk Sales Revealed To Be First Level Of Purgatory

October 7, 2025 Alyssa Wong 0

BRUIN WALK — In an exclusive interview with the Enabler, prolific Bruin Walk salesperson Ven Moe disclosed today that selling wares on the well-trod pathway […]

Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava

July 8, 2025 Alyssa Wong 0

WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]

  • BPlate Announces Collab With McDonald’s To Ensure Froyo Machine Breaks More Often

    WESTWOOD – In a surprise new development, BPlate has announced a partnership with the fast food chain McDonald’s to ensure that the froyo machine remains […]

  • Government Shutdown Finally Hits Canvas

    WESTWOOD — Students everywhere awoke this morning to the modern equivalent of snow outside their windows: Canvas has been shut down due to bipartisan gridlock. […]

  • Opinion: If You A Stressed Baddie Who Procrastinated Before Canvas Went Down, This One’s For You

  • Friend Who Can’t Drive Way Too Invested In Formula One

    AUSTIN, TX — This weekend, second-year Mechanical Engineering major Diem Vee posted multiple photo dumps of himself trackside at the 2025 United States Grand Prix […]

  • Ask The Enabler: Is It Too Late To Cancel My Den Pass Refund?

    Dear Westwood Enabler, I bought a Den Pass to maximize my time at UCLA and to give my uncle yet another excuse to bet on […]

Featured Authors

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Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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