WESTWOOD—With no adult supervision present at the time, an anonymous group of bigots worked late into the night to plaster the University of California, Los Angeles with hate slurs written in jumbo sidewalk chalk. “We have concluded that the offenders must be chauvinistic and deeply conservative individuals who are probably in need of their special ‘night-night’ blankies,” observed Vice Dean of Student Affairs Martin Hogerty, sweeping up crumpled boxes of apple juice that were left next to the phrase “Stop the Jihad on Campus.” “These racist and transphobic offenders are undoubtedly hearing this stuff in their homes. It would be very strange for a bigot to come up with the phrase ‘it is not a crime to be white’ on his or her own terms.” As press-time, the culprits were reported to still be at-large while investigators searched local day-care facilities.
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Interim Editor-In-Chief, Full Time Smart-Ass