UNICEF To Consider Starving Children On A Case-By-Case Basis Due To Budget Cuts

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LOS ANGELES — UNICEF announced early Monday morning that it would consider providing meals to starving children on a case-by-case basis due to budget cuts, citing the need to focus on only those facing excessive hardship. “Fortunately, we have no shortage of qualified malnourished children and so will use an application form that considers factors such as intelligence and unique life experiences when assessing which children deserve a hot meal,” said UNICEF spokesperson Jasmine Richards while typing up the application, which includes a 750-word essay asking the applicant what he or she plans to do with the meal. “We believe that a holistic review of our applicants’ backgrounds can better help us determine who will benefit the most from adequate nourishment. Obviously, three letters of recommendation from people who know the applicant best will be required.” Richards was unavailable for further comment, but was last seen running around downtown Port au Prince handing out meal applications to large groups of illiterate children.