UCLA School of Public Health Recommends Washing Your Damn Hands, Alex

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UCLA’s health school does not take bad hygiene lightly.

WESTWOOD—Last week, faculty from UCLA’s College of Public Health recommended that after using the restroom Alex should wash his damn hands. “Handwashing is an easy way to help prevent the spread of disease on campus and in our communities,” said Dean of Public Health Julian Price, “so why then, Alex, is it so damn hard for you? As it stands, a handshake from Alex, in terms of pathological significance, is akin to Columbus’s arrival in hispaniola. It’s practically a death sentence. Washing your hands only takes 15 seconds, Alex, get a grip.” Alex plans to ignore the message and continue touching doorknobs, countertops, and other people ad libitum.