Migrant Crisis Reminds Man To Check For Ants Under Kitchen Sink

By , in National News on .
Ants weathering out the storm.

WESTWOOD—A recent article considering the migrant crisis in Western Europe reminded area man Jacob Schultz to check for ants under his kitchen sink.

“They might not pose an imminent threat, the ants, but I wouldn’t want them to get cozy and think they can stay here as long as they want,” stated Schultz, surveying his kitchen with protective concern. “Don’t get me wrong, I understand their situation: rain and bad weather drove them out of their nests and they have nowhere else to go, but I didn’t cause any of that, so why, then, should I foot the bill? Why should I have to give up my food and peace of mind?”

Schultz’s daughter Anna had different thoughts on the matter. “They, the ants, are not a great burden because they feed mostly on crumbs and leftover food that would go uneaten otherwise. Once these storms pass, they will happily return to their nests to rebuild and carry on as before, and all they need is a little help in the meantime.”

Schultz’s neighbor, Daryl Anderson, agreed with Anna, but for reasons of fairness. “Our kitchen is already thronged with nearly twice the amount of ants Schultz has taken on. Crumbs are growing scarce and the ants are starting to penetrate the more mainstream counters and cupboards of our kitchen. Schultz should take on a greater part of the displaced ant population to relieve the disproportionate burden placed on our household.”

“My issue is that they, the ants, will get used to living in our house and then will not want to leave once conditions improve at their nests,” said Debbie Schultz, wife of Schultz. “If we grant them refuge in our home and they do not want to leave once conditions improve, then I can’t see this arrangement being good for anyone. How will conditions improve if they all flee? Who will be doing the improvement? They should work to weather storms in their nests instead of overrunning our pantry.”

Family debate over how to respond to the ant crisis emboldened radical fringe groups within the household to become public, like Schultz’s 12-year-old son, Steven, who advocates for the use of chemical weapons like Raid to exterminate the climatic migrants, calling them an existential threat to the kitchen.

Schultz’s mother-in-law, Leona Kaplan, took yet another approach to the issue. “Let’s not forget that they, the ants, are an invasive species acting exclusively in their own self-interest and have no intention of becoming part of the larger household. They are insular communities interested only in the food and shelter of this family, and not in its customs or culture. What’s a household with some members that want nothing to do with the others? A disunified household is one that won’t last long when its own storms come. The ants need to go.”

Another contentious point involves the ants’ unique belief system that some claim lends itself to fanaticism. The ants swear allegiance to a supreme being, the Queen, whom they credit with the creation and direction of their entire colony. Many family members cited this belief as the source of their distaste towards ants, but critics of this argument point out that similar beliefs are held by other family members, like Schultz’s brother-in-law Alan, who is Christian.

Schultz ordered limits on ant immigration this past Tuesday, but an appellate judge, Schultz’s niece, Sarah Tannenbaum, called for an injunction on the order, citing a clause from the house-rules whiteboard that states, “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” The family plans to launch an inquiry to determine whether ants are protected by the house rules.