BERKELEY, CA—Scientists at UC Berkeley have just confirmed that, despite what you may have thought and still think, your dad was right. You can argue and protest all you want about why his reasoning was stupid and maybe a little bit racist, but when push came to shove, your dad was right. “What we’ve found is that your dad was pretty much right. Like, you can try and squeeze out a technicality, but he’d still be more right than he’d be wrong,” said head scientist Dan Gloverson. “I mean, let’s look at the evidence. My dad said I’d be at the forefront of cutting edge research about fatherhood, and I told him I was going to be a boxer. Guess who was right?”
Your dad was right about mailmen. “They do lose the letters on purpose, though I guess it doesn’t make much of a difference since no one reads letters anymore,” said research fellow Carla Chang. “Your dad was also right about your boyfriend, but I wouldn’t tell him that if I were you. I mean, not that I would have to tell my dad he was right about anything. Especially not my boyfriend. Really. My dad was an outlier. I swear.” We could find no other scientists to verify this assertion.
Most importantly, your dad was right about you. “Your dad said you’d probably turn out okay, as long as you didn’t watch too many cartoons. And you know what, you did turn out okay. You’re not too shabby, you know?” said researcher Sig Stevens to his lab associate, Herrod Stevens. “I mean, working in your old man’s research group – that’s not half bad.” The younger Stevens was not available for comment.
Towards the end of the press conference, Gloverson assured everyone that his study was thoroughly conclusive. “Yeah, this study is right. You can trust me, I’m a dad.”