BIG CITY, BIG STATE—Citing his desire to make something great out of himself, Stan Levinson, a nobody from an aw, shucks folksy ‘burb in the boonies set arrived in the Big City today. Levinson, 19, hummed an upbeat tune as he skipped along the streets of the Big City. “Boy, I sure do love the Big City. There’s so much to see and do here!” Levinson declared, placing his suitcase down next to a homeless man preparing a slipknot. “I moved here to make my dreams come true, because there’s no place for big dreams like the Big City!”
Locals of Rundown-But-Gentrifying, the neighborhood Levinson moved into, greeted his arrival with a mixture of suspicion and amusement. “Well, he ain’t the first,” local curmudgeon and stoop sitter, Ben Hurran said. “I seen enough kids come here thinking they’re Sinatra but end up shooting gay porn on a shitty Kmart mattress to know he ain’t gonna look so chipper a week from now.” Hurran went on to explain his plans for the new arrival in local terms. “Yeah, I’ll be introducing him to my guy soon. That kid’s gonna be on the [Porn]‘hub.”
Others were more optimistic. “Well, I for one think it’s great. I mean, the property values are going to go through the roof,” local landlady Patricia “That Bitch” Sheeran said. “I mean, not to sound racist or anything, but demographic changes really help me jack up the rent around here. If I can get a few more idealistic idiots with big dreams to move in here, I can finally get the police to toss the junkies under the Totally Safe Bridge. That’ll show that bitch Patty Hurst. How’s she gonna sell her condos if Bengar’s shooting up on the front step?”
Folks from The ‘Burb, Levinson’s hometown, had little to say on the matter. “He said he had a plan to become an actor… or was it a poet? Kids these days, you never really know,” Jennifer Levinson, Stan’s mother, said. Stan’s father refused to comment, except to say that he’d better not end up “on the hub.”
Stan’s neighbor, Kitty Hawke, expressed some concern. “The Big City? Oh, gee, I don’t know. I heard there are a lot of ethnic gangs there. I hope Stan doesn’t get swept up in that. He’s such a nice boy. Did you know they use marijuana there? Oh, my lord, I hope he turns out okay.” At this time, we have no information about whether Stan has joined an ethnic gang or has partaken in drug usage, as he was trying to figure out how he was supposed to pay a monthly rent of $1500.