WESTWOOD — According to a new study published by the UCLA School of Public Health, only 40% of students, faculty, and other visitors who utilize the university’s Charles E. Young Research Library (YRL) have received proper potty-training. The findings are based on evidence collected from both all-gender and gendered restrooms over the past two years, with trends suggesting that this figure may even be declining.
“We measured variables such as wet paper towel placement, rate of cloggings, biological flooding, and improperly-disposed excrement in the building’s facilities,” said Dr. Reginald Pope, who was inspired to lead the study after witnessing what he called “a horror beyond imagination” in the men’s restroom on the library’s fifth floor. “Measuring this data against the average daily traffic in and out of the library’s restrooms, we concluded that the high rate of restroom-related catastrophes can be explained only by a largely uneducated populace regarding digestive etiquette, colloquially referred to as ‘potty-training.’”
A student who self-identifies as non-potty trained responded to the Enabler’s request for interview on the condition of anonymity.
“I will not be reduced to a statistic. This is just another way the university is attempting to delegitimize a silent majority on this campus,” said the student, who said he has been ostracized by his peers for never washing his hands after urinating. “They expect you to come in with perfect SAT scores, to join a million different clubs, to get internships, but as if that wasn’t enough, they expect you to be potty-trained? Give me a break.”
At press time, there was still piss and shit all over the floors of both all-gender restrooms in YRL.