WESTWOOD–A new study conducted at UCLA has found that the average person takes at least three months to get over a failed relationship, Debbie, you bitch. “After studying and questioning hundreds of members of recently broken-up couples, we discovered that on average it takes about three months to make a full emotional recovery,” said James Yun, a conductor of the study, Deborah, you cold-hearted cow. Yun adds that while the majority of participants recovered eventually – you hearing this, Debbie? Are you listening? – some are still healing well past the three-month mark, you soulless shrew. At press time, Yun announced an upcoming project studying the physiological effects of having your lover rip your goddamn heart of your chest.