WESTWOOD – In response to continuing demand for Spring Sing tickets, the UCLA Central Ticketing Office (CTO) has announced a special competition—for those who could not make it last Thursday, the CTO will be hosting a contest inspired by Suzanne Collins’s hit series The Hunger Games.
Students will be held in the Rose Bowl for 24 hours. The last 20 students remaining will be awarded four Spring Sing tickets each. If more than 20 students remain, no winners will be declared, and all will go home sad and injured.
The UCLA Future Carpenter Society has partnered with the Undergraduate Architecture Association to design and create an enclosed stadium featuring obstacles and a central weapons bank. Food, provided by UCLA catering services, will be hidden throughout the stands.
Students are expected to split into two teams: North Campus and South Campus. Each team has already selected a captain, chosen based on how pretentious their major is. South Campus will be led by Tyler Vu, a third year Materials Engineering major. Vu is excited to lead the team, and says he expects to be able to use the wide variety of South Campus majors and knowledge to the team’s advantage.
“We have a lot of variety here on South Campus. While I’m not going to argue that our majors are harder than North Campus, I feel like our majors will provide skills that are more valuable in a life or death situation. A pre-med biology major is more likely to be able to cauterize a wound than a pre-law English student. We can engineer our own weapons and calculate proper angles for maximum tissue penetration,” Vu said, his tone steady and his gaze unnerving. He notes that he does not wish to contribute any further to the already-high tensions between North and South campus. North Campus’s leader, however, seems to have a different view.
“Fuck those guys. They’re always saying how much harder their classes are. Well, I’d like to see one of them dance classical ballet or paint abstract art,” said second year World Arts and Culture major, Maisie Flannigan. Flannigan continued, “I’m going to bet that we have more athletes, statistically, and if they participate, we’ll have the upper hand. We have art majors planning to sculpt weapons, we’ve got some film majors getting ready to bludgeon others with boom mics. The English majors are reading up on strategy and our theatre majors have focused on playing dead. I personally have been practicing blinding others with paint.”
The central weapons bank will be located at the 50-yard-line. While its contents cannot be revealed ahead of time, it is speculated that items specific to UCLA-offered majors will be included. South Campus students have seen chemistry sets and gel electrophoresis equipment being hauled out of Young, while North Campus students have noted an absence of prop weapons and sculpting knives.
“If there end up being more than twenty of us left from the same team, I expect shit to go down,” said Flannigan. Vu concurred, “In the event that there are too many of us left to claim the prize, we have developed an algorithm for determining who deserves the tickets the most. The algorithm takes into account number of North Campus students knocked out, efficiency in injuring others, and GPA.”
Tickets to watch the Spring Sing Showdown will be made available at the CTO this Thursday at midnight. Emergency grief counselors will be available on campus and at the Rose Bowl for friends and family of slain competitors. ❖