Social Disaster Barely Scraped Together By Quality Salsa

By , in Campus News News in Briefs on .
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WESTWOOD—In what onlookers described as a “harrowingly dull” floor event, near catastrophe struck the third floor of Gardenia Hall Thursday night when host Shawn Molina avoided total social devastation with the aid of a homemade mango-habanero salsa.

“Last Thursday? I mean, we played like twenty rounds of Cards Against Humanity, and then watched two episodes of True Blood on Shawn’s way-too-quiet TV,” said Elisa Bennett, a firsthand of survivor of the events. “It was honestly pretty lame. Shawn had this really good salsa though. It was kind of spicy, but really sweet at the same time, you know? I should really ask him what brand.”

Social climatologists report that this is the most recent of several near-disasters that have threatened the social standing of Gardenia 3, following such notable instances as the karaoke night, in which all participants were too nervous to sing and instead gathered around a table of assorted-flavor Doritos, and the Star Wars Marathon, during which only The Phantom Menace was actually screened but was kept afloat by a constant supply of microwave kettle corn.

While no serious damage has so far been sustained, analysts are concerned that future activities will not be so forgiving. Vincent Kim, who lives on Gardenia 2, has observed the high-risk “bummer zone” above him since fall quarter, after attending an ice cream social that turned out to be far more ice cream than social. According to Kim, “Some day they’ll throw a party that not even pita chips and hummus will fix.”