Roommate Files Petition To Open Window A Tiny Bit

Graphic by Isaiah Little

WESTWOOD — Entreating Bruin Walk commuters with the pleading look of something dying in the road, Dykstra roommate Ron Timmons this morning began his petition campaign to open his dorm window a tiny bit, “enough to hear the birds, and smell the laundry. Do you have a second to talk about dorm room etiquette?” said Timmons, wearing a shirt with the phrase, “Be A Good Fellow, Open The Window,” emblazoned across the front. “My room on a hot day smells like the barracks of an African militia. All I want to do is gather enough signatures to overturn the combined supermajority of my two roommates, who either moonlight as sanitation workers or are designing some kind of severely countercultural perfume.” The Enabler staff would like to inform readers that, as per UCLA custom, when the interview with Timmons concluded, reporters promptly dropped eye contact and refused to sign the petition.

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About Nathan Grovhoug 21 Articles
Nathan is an exquisite writer and talented author. His writing is good too. He raised horses on the Iberian peninsula for 14 years, until a fallen nun named Rosina stole his herd, and his heart. They tried to reconcile during a chance meeting in Rotterdam 7 years later, but their love had been cast away, just like waking memories of a bitter autumn.