PROVIDENCE, RI—In a conference last Friday, the State Metrics Institute of America (SMIA) announced that Rhode Island would lose its statehood and be re-classified as a unit of measurement.
“Research shows that around 68% of Americans only ever talk about Rhode Island in order to contextualize big numbers,” said Dr. Keisha Martin, head of the SMIA. “Sixty-eight percent. That’s 216,852,000 people – over 200 times the population of Rhode Island.”
The SMIA monitored Rhode Island-based comparisons over a span of twelve years, collecting data from over eighty counties throughout the United States. “That’s sixteen times the number of counties in Rhode Island,” stated Dr. Martin.
Outraged Rhode Islanders have organized several protests outside SMIA headquarters, arguing that the loss of their statehood is unjustified and degrading.
“My state doesn’t exist just to give you something to compare statistics with,” said protester Ivan Marquez. “We’re so much more than that. We’re the proud birthplace of Lincoln Chafee, the home of America’s first lunch wagon, and the only state to still celebrate Victory over Japan Day. They can’t take that rich cultural history away from us.”
At press time, SMIA protests still continue with no sign of relenting.
“We’ve been picketing out here for the past five hours straight,” said Marquez. “That’s four times as long as it takes to drive up the entire length of Rhode Isla- wait, fuck, now I’m doing it too. Shit.”