Report: RA Found To Be Cool

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Tang scored higher than average in “being pretty chill” “being alright with shit,” and “being just like cool in general, you know?”

WESTWOOD—A report conducted by the Hedrick 5-South Floor Association revealed local Residential Assistant Shirley Tang to be “cool.”

“Yeah, we were all just kind of chilling in the lounge and decided Shirley was cool,” explained first-year undeclared student Mark Holmes, who developed the statistical methodology for the study. “I was saying how it’s cool Shirley never writes me up for smoking weed in the bathroom, and Kenny, String Bean, and Lil’ Porky all agreed that she was ‘aight.’”

With this unanimous rating, Tang was found to officially be “cool.”

“I can’t believe I’m finally cool!” shared Tang during one of her nightly rounds in Hedrick Hall. “I’ve always thought I was, but it’s nice to finally have quantitative proof.”

The report’s findings come at a time when nearly 90% of Residential Assistants are found to be “Not Cool.” These scientific studies assess data on how many write-ups RAs give per week on average, where they are most likely to be on a Thursday night, and how much effort they put into their lounge info-boards.

“Get it? It’s a board about sexually-transmitted diseases!” said Residential Assistant Nick Williams, next to a colorful poster display titled “Don’t Catch ‘Em All.” Williams was found to be “Very Not Cool” in a January study conducted by the Rieber 7-North Floor Association. “It’s comparing STDs to Pokemon!”

At press time, Tang was seen timidly smoking a joint with her residents to maintain her reputation as “that cool RA.”