WESTWOOD–Sources confirmed that around 6:30 last night, this guy at B-Plate was really going for the brussels sprouts, appearing stoic as he rammed the metal spoon into the vat of vegetables, heaving inordinate amounts of them onto his plate as the line behind him grew exponentially. “I mean don’t get me wrong, I love brussels sprouts as much as the next guy, but this dude is just straight up excessive. He shoveled like 30 of them into a salad bowl — where did he get a fucking salad bowl?” said traumatized witness Kara Levy, recalling how the guy did not display a single shred of self-awareness as he aggressively shoveled the sprouts. “Seriously, at a time when so many have so little, why would he take so much?” At press time, the guy had made his way over to “Freshly Grilled,” where he was repeatedly uttering the word “gains” as the server placed a whopping 10 pieces of grilled chicken on his plate.
About Jack Lyons 68 Articles
Area Man. Freelance fraternity president. Aspiring father of two. Probable future Nobel laureate. Occasionally collude with Russia.