WASHINGTON, DC — According to a new report from the CIA, everyone currently alive has been confirmed to be out there right now, right this second. “I’ve actually been anticipating this outcome since the moment I achieved ego death,” said President Biden, one of a small group of people the CIA extra-rigorously investigated as being alive. “Then again, it’s always sort of mind-blowing to remember you’re on a suspended rocky sphere with 8 billion other people. I mean really, what are we doing here? What is it for? And what is time anyway? Perhaps everyone that’s ever lived is existent on some universal plane with us, all at once, right now. Would knowing the truth change anything about our daily lives? Would it even matter? Jill, do I matter?” At press time, the CIA requested everyone refrain from moving for just like an hour because they may have counted wrong and want to double check.
