WESTWOOD—Trying to improve his abysmally low rating on the popular instructor evaluation site bruinwalk.com Monday, UCLA Statistics professor Phil Tennyson had sexual intercourse with one of his female students in exchange for a positive review.
Prior to the teacher-student relations, Tennyson possessed the lowest overall BruinWalk score of any professor with a minimum of 5 ratings: .43 out of a possible 10.
“The other professors in the department are always giving me a hard time for having such a poor rating on BruinWalk,” said Tennyson. “So I decided to do what anyone who’s being bullied should do: stop being such a loser.” Citing his own incorrigible inability to teach, Tennyson explained that having sex with students was the only way to boost his meager BruinWalk rating.
Audrey McKay, the 3rd-year student with whom Tennyson exchanged copulation for a good review, said: “Professor Tennyson is a good-looking guy. I mean, why else would I want to do him? But he’s still the worst professor I’ve ever had.”
“He spent the first 4 weeks of the quarter monotonously reading the syllabus to us and trying to explain his convoluted grading scale which is based on powers of 6 and uses letters from both the Cyrillic and Greek alphabets” continued McKay. “And on the midterm, he tested us on parts of the syllabus that we hadn’t even gotten to yet.”
Many of Tennyson’s students point to a week 7 incident where he used chalk to write the entire lecture’s notes on the whiteboard as a glaring example of their professor’s ineffectiveness.
According to McKay, student dissatisfaction with Tennyson is not restricted to his lackluster instruction in the classroom. McKay told reporters how she still gave Tennyson a good rating even despite a disappointing performance by the professor in “the Bone Zone.”
“It was actually pretty easy for me to give Professor Tennyson a better difficulty score on BruinWalk because, really, he’s far from ‘very hard,’” said McKay. “And bumping up his availability score? Simple as pie. Based on his inability to please a woman, he should be the most ‘available’ man in the world.”
McKay also added that it was the first time she was disappointed the professor “finished early.”