ANN ARBOR, MI — Citing the profound uselessness and disrespectful behaviour of her son Brendan, local mother Ann Shapiro says that the nine year old was not worth even a minute of her exhausting pregnancy and painful childbirth. “I mean, my labor was fourteen hours long, for crying out loud. And for what? This shithead?” she said, gesturing at her son, currently on the patio urinating on ants. “All he does is eat my food and swallow my money and call me a fat bitch. Guess what, asshole? You’re the reason I’m fat, and you’re the reason I can’t keep a man around. No one wants to be your stepdad.” Sources reported that Brendan was later seen spray painting phalluses on his mother’s car.