Op-Ed: I Think My Girlfriend Is Actually Tupac In Disguise

Graphic by Sara Pearson

I consider myself a rational person. I take things as they come, I try not to jump to conclusions, and I definitely don’t believe in conspiracy theories. Most crazy things we see in the world have logical, unexciting explanations. Yet when coincidences start to pile up one after another, I have no choice but to consider possibilities that others may find to be outlandish. I’m really starting to think that my girlfriend, Brenda, is secretly none other than the famously deceased rapper, Tupac Shakur.

My relationship with Brenda began quite normally. I was at the supermarket, eyeing a sale on papayas, when she walked by and noticed the same discount. She exclaimed, “Run, quick see! What do we have here now?” followed by a question of whether I wanted to ride or die, to which I replied “Why, yes. I suppose I do want to ride or die.” We’ve been madly in love ever since.

Part of the reason it took me so long to grow suspicious was the fact that Brenda looks like any other beautiful woman in her late forties. She’s about 5 feet 9 inches tall, African-American, tattooed, a man, and usually wears a bandana on her head, which I think is just the cutest.

I started to notice something amiss about two months ago. Brenda loves hip-hop, particularly West Coast gangsta rap, but she gets very angry at any mention of 90’s East Coast rappers. At first I dismissed it as a simple quirk — after all, people have different musical preferences — but the intensity of her anger surrounding these East Coast rappers stood out to me.

In addition, Brenda will occasionally drop little comments while we’re out and about: things like “California love, baby” and “My real name is Tupac Shakur, I’m in hiding after being presumed dead for over twenty years.” None of these idiosyncrasies would merit any suspicion on their own, but when taken as a whole…I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being paranoid.

Or so I thought. It was only after realizing Brenda is left-handed that it finally clicked: there’s a good chance my beloved girlfriend may in fact be the late 10x platinum-selling hip-hop artist, Tupac. I’m like, 45% sure.

Does this change the way I see Brenda? Maybe a little bit, but at the end of the day, she’s still the same person I fell in love with, regardless of whether or not she’s secretly one of the most legendary rappers of all time. Love you, babe.