WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amidst much prolonged stress, the House of Representatives publicly lost its Boehner on Oct. 29. “This usually doesn’t happen, we promise. It’s rare to have a such a strong member just leave so unexpectedly,” the House reported to a disappointed crowd, noting that the departure was made at a time when the governing body was rumored to be experiencing slight electoral dysfunction. “It’s important to recognize the rising pressure to perform,” lamented the House, in a tone that political analysts have described as being both defensive and accusatory. At press time, the House has assured reporters that such an event would not happen in the future, and that it definitely wasn’t their fault.