Hero: Man Closes Wage Gap by Going Billions of Dollars in Debt!

By , in First Pass on .

WESTWOOD — Who knew we had a national hero in our very own Westwood? Last Friday, Pew Research reported that the wage gap between men and women suddenly vanished. “We don’t know how to explain it,” said head analyst Keith Snell, “it looks like men just all of a sudden started making way, way less money.”

Well, we have one man to thank, and that’s Steve Dhoot. After purposefully making absolutely atrocious investments using the enormous resources of his company, Dhoot successfully closed the wage gap once and for all.

“I suppose it’s somewhat commendable,” reported Steve’s new ex-wife, Jodie, “but I feel like it would’ve been more helpful for women if he removed his ‘no hiring women’ policy.” An understandable critique, yet an ignorant one. If Steve had hired women, then more women would have been jobless after his horrible investments. She went on to mention that “it literally does absolutely nothing to improve working conditions across the country for women.” Fair point, but I wouldn’t be one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

“Shut up, I don’t appreciate you publicising my failure,” said Dhoot himself, “I’m going to be in poverty for the rest of my life. Why on earth would I do this on purpose?” Incredible. This is modesty at its finest. Steve isn’t even willing to admit his awe-inspiring role in the fight for gender equality. He went as far as to call women “nothin’ but glamorized baby-holders” just to cover his tracks. If this isn’t an example of selfless freedom fighting, I don’t know what is.