Boelter’s Nerd Infestation Reaches Alarming Heights

WESTWOOD — Los Angeles County Animal Control reported Tuesday that Boelter Hall’s nerd infestation has reached alarming heights. “We were able to capture a large number of losers by using drop traps baited with anime body pillows, but we estimate that hundreds more nerds may remain,” said Director Emerald Adran, who was pleased to report that the captured engineering majors will not need to be neutered as they have no chance of getting laid. “We will be relocating this invasive species to the UC Berkeley Nerd Sanctuary, a safe habitat to which they are native.” UCLA will continue to work with Animal Control and the CDC to monitor the public health risks associated with large numbers of engineers, who threaten the community by not showering and being annoying.

About Gillian Smith 50 Articles
Flavius Octavius Julius Gaius Septimius, known colloquially as "Gillian the Great," is the 71st emperor of Rome. Her notable achievements include winning the 2021 Maryland BOGGLE state championship and not being assassinated yet.