WESTWOOD—In a development that has left the UCLA community speechless, a banana-smuggling cartel was found early Sunday evening to be operating out of UCLA’s newest dining hall, Bruin Plate. Experts estimate that the dining hall may have lost as many as 380 bananas a week since the criminals started operations in October 2013.
“We’ve had [the banana-smuggling ring] under observation for quite a while now,” said Patricia Crenton, lead detective associated with the case. “Although we tried to get some undercover officers in as students, all of them got rejected by UCLA for not having enough extracurricular activities. One did get into Stanford, though. He’s left the force now.”
The buyers, Crenton confided, are typically students who developed a banana dependency while living on-campus and are now having trouble adjusting to living in an apartment where bananas do not magically appear each morning. “They’ve had bananas every day for two years, so the idea of not having bananas readily available makes these students enter severe withdrawals.”
According to some sources, incoming freshman are lured into the smuggling ring with promises of free tutoring and editing. One of them agreed to speak to us on the condition of anonymity. “At first it seemed like a sweet deal,” said someone who is definitely not Hannah Chen from Fresno. “But then they just kept asking for more and more bananas. 15 bananas to proofread half a page? It’s a very slippery slope.”
Although the banana smugglers have now been apprehended, some suspect that this incident suggests more sinister doings. “Nothing of this magnitude could have happened without the authorities doing a cover-up,” Jean Venling, a former worker at B-Plate, whispered in our correspondent’s ear while securing his tinfoil hat to his head with both hands. “I can’t say too much, they already suspect I know something.” He then hid himself in the nearest trashcan and was noticed emerging half an hour later, covered in banana peels.