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Articles by Gene D. Block

40,000 Students and Not One of Them Has Found the Goose That Lays the Golden Eggs

September 29, 2016 Gene D. Block 0

Dear Students, As we begin the new quarter, it is important that we do not lose sight of what binds all Bruins together: our common […]

Donald Trump Announces Donald Trump As Running Mate

May 3, 2016 Hans Oberschelp 0

NEW YORK CITY—Donald Trump announced at a rally this morning that, if nominated, which “[he] might as well have been from the very second [he] […]

African Warlord Offers 20% Discount on Water

March 6, 2016 Hans Oberschelp 0

UGANDA — Charles Masane, leader of the Righteous Liberation Army announced in a press release this morning that water will be discounted 20% this weekend […]

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Westwood Stores Sell Out Of Useless Shit

March 6, 2016 Hans Oberschelp 0

WESTWOOD—Charlotte’s Boutique, a store in Westwood, sold out of its entire stock of useless shit, sources confirm. The store, established in 2009, is frequented by […]

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Whaling Protesters Amazed By How Tasty Whale Is

March 6, 2016 Hans Oberschelp 0

TOKYO — Protesters at the Japanese Cultural Cuisine Association’s annual food sampling last Thursday were shocked to learn that the animal they were fighting to […]

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Op-Ed: Global Warming Will Put Florida Underwater. Oh No.

January 24, 2016 Peter Stanford 0

Experts predict that global warming will cause the sea level to rise three to six feet over the next century, putting at least a third […]

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Dalai Lama’s Lives Flash Before His Eyes

November 3, 2015 Hans Oberschelp 0

DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—In the split second a cargo truck veered toward him, the Dalai Lama’s lives flashed before his eyes. “At first I could see a […]

Obama Opens Border To El Niño

October 27, 2015 Hans Oberschelp 0

WASHINGTON D.C. — President Barack Obama signed a controversial executive order this morning to open the border for the southern climate oscillation, El Niño. The […]

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ISIS Seizes Two Hundred Square Miles Of Sand

June 2, 2015 Hans Oberschelp 0

SYRIA – In an offensive launched from northern Ar-Raqqah last night, the Islamic State seized control of a two hundred square mile stretch of uninhabited […]

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