40,000 Students and Not One of Them Has Found the Goose That Lays the Golden Eggs
Dear Students, As we begin the new quarter, it is important that we do not lose sight of what binds all Bruins together: our common […]
Articles by Gene D. Block
Donald Trump Announces Donald Trump As Running Mate
NEW YORK CITY—Donald Trump announced at a rally this morning that, if nominated, which “[he] might as well have been from the very second [he] […]
African Warlord Offers 20% Discount on Water
UGANDA — Charles Masane, leader of the Righteous Liberation Army announced in a press release this morning that water will be discounted 20% this weekend […]
Westwood Stores Sell Out Of Useless Shit
WESTWOOD—Charlotte’s Boutique, a store in Westwood, sold out of its entire stock of useless shit, sources confirm. The store, established in 2009, is frequented by […]
Whaling Protesters Amazed By How Tasty Whale Is
TOKYO — Protesters at the Japanese Cultural Cuisine Association’s annual food sampling last Thursday were shocked to learn that the animal they were fighting to […]
Op-Ed: Global Warming Will Put Florida Underwater. Oh No.
Experts predict that global warming will cause the sea level to rise three to six feet over the next century, putting at least a third […]
Dalai Lama’s Lives Flash Before His Eyes
DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—In the split second a cargo truck veered toward him, the Dalai Lama’s lives flashed before his eyes. “At first I could see a […]
Obama Opens Border To El Niño
WASHINGTON D.C. — President Barack Obama signed a controversial executive order this morning to open the border for the southern climate oscillation, El Niño. The […]
ISIS Seizes Two Hundred Square Miles Of Sand
SYRIA – In an offensive launched from northern Ar-Raqqah last night, the Islamic State seized control of a two hundred square mile stretch of uninhabited […]