Ashe Center Doctor Diagnoses Patient as “Sick”

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Cases of “the sniffles” have increased three-fold in recent weeks.

WESTWOOD—Earlier today, the Westwood Enabler received confirmation that a doctor working in the Ashe Center had diagnosed a student as being “sick.” According to reports, the patient stumbled into the waiting room at about 2:34 PM with slurred speech, bloodshot eyes, and severe tremors across his body. When asked if he had an appointment, he slowly managed to take out his iphone and make one. He was then deferred to the electronic kiosk to fill out a survey. “After running a blood test, sweat test, saliva test, urine test, reflex test, skin test, bone density test, semen test, and an extensive interview with the patient on the symptoms he’s feeling, I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that this patient… is sick,” concluded Dr. Peters. When asked what kind of sickness the patient was suffering from the doctor said he needed to run more tests to figure that out. Further inquiry revealed that because he only comes into the Ashe center once a week, the patient was asked to reschedule for next week.❖