Area Housecat Charged With Misdemeanor Catnip Possession

Mr. Whiskers in his last days as a free cat.

SAN FRANCISCO — In the highest profile criminal case of the decade, area housecat Mr. Whiskers was found in his house early Monday morning with seven grams of catnip hidden in various cat toys and charged with misdemeanor possession with intent to use. “This is a very serious offense, and not one we can take lightly,” said District Attorney Broderick Barnes, after having his credit card declined trying to buy a six-pack of beer at CVS. “Studies have shown that catnip impairs judgment, makes its user act recklessly, is bad for health and can be extremely addictive. As a result, we are collaborating with a local veterinarian to pursue a sentence of no less than ten years in the kennel for Mr. Whiskers.” Barnes was unavailable for further comment, though reports confirmed he was hospitalized for seizures from acute alcohol withdrawal.