WESTWOOD — Cheddar News, the news channel displayed on Ackerman Union’s TVs, declared their bankruptcy today with plans to become Mozzarella Media. “Although it is with a heavy heart that we discontinue Cheddar News, fret not, dairy lovers! We want to increase our audience views, and I think we can achieve that by presenting ourselves as a cooler cheese,” said Cheese-E-O Colby Jack, wiping his tears with the last shred of cheddar at his crumbling headquarters. “Instead of featuring the political and economic news of the world, we’ve shifted our focus to more eye-catching stories, like high-speed car chases and leaked evidence that aliens are real.” At press time, students were sucking Epicuria pizza grease off their thumb while watching Mozzarella Media with a vacant stare.
