LA JOLLA, CA—Researchers at the University of California, San Diego, announced the results of a comprehensive ten year study that proves without a doubt that all high school janitors are wise men with treasure troves of metaphysical knowledge.
“This is really groundbreaking,” Emilio Trujillo, head of field research said during the press conference. “While we’ve always had an inkling of this hypothesis as presented through several classic high school films such as The Breakfast Club, there has never been any way to definitively prove it.”
According to Trujillo, researchers sampled over six hundred thousand high schools throughout the country for janitorial staff and questioned them on various metaphysical concepts. Maxwell Baines, an associate researcher under Trujillo described the experience vividly.
“There was this gentleman who I interviewed, and I asked him what he thought of the ‘cogito, ergo sum’. He dissected my statement completely and asked me ‘what the hell is this shit? I ain’t got enough life to cogito nothing, there are bathrooms I gotta clean.’ Essentially, he just debunked thought as the primary mode of expression, and espoused action, much like the Hindu concept of dharma as espoused in the Bhagavad Gita.”
Field experiments yielded overwhelmingly positive results across the board, with various janitors quoting aphorisms such as “The shit don’t clean itself,” and “Must be nice to be a kid, just leave your shit everywhere for the man with the mop,” that portray startling new takes on utilitarianism and self-image, redefining our postmodern conception of the world.
“Those janitors really made me rethink my life and come to startling epiphanies on the way I treat people, and yes, now I am going to drive across the country to see my ex-girlfriend Katie and tell her I love her, because love is more important than a degree and a stable job,” Baines stated as he threw off his lab coat and raced out of the room. “Thanks Jason!”
As Baines ran off into an idyllic cornfield beneath a rugged mountain landscape, Trujillo brought up another piece of experimental data. “While all janitors tend to be wise old souls with the ability to help you find your destiny, the epiphanic power of their statements tends to increase exponentially when the janitor in question is African American. We can even add a correlational exponent of 189.635 when they have a Morgan Freeman-esque vibe, measured in standard Freeman units.”
At press time, Carl Gunderson, a janitor at La Jolla High School, expressed regret that he had never been interviewed, considering his actual degree in philosophy.
