WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Westwood Enabler has been shut down.
On Friday, the Trump administration sent UCLA their proposal for a $1 billion settlement, in response to the Justice Department investigation that determined the university violated federal civil rights laws.
“We’re not funding useless shit anymore,” said Press Secretary Isabella “Izz” Reale, speaking from the proposed site of the $200 million White House State Ballroom. “We need to see major changes. No more anti-American protests, no more DEI scholarships, no more gender-affirming healthcare.”
“But most importantly, no more Enabler.”
Since its establishment in 2014, The Westwood Enabler has stoked Marxist-Leninist-Clintonist sentiment, pickpocketed thousands of white people, and performed sex reassignment surgery on unwilling students. It has also occasionally published articles.
For the Trump administration, the Enabler’s ban represents a historic win.
“Let this be a lesson to student journalists everywhere,” said Vice President J.D. Vance, who wasn’t included on the original email chain and had to have the proposal forwarded to him. “You cannot make fun of Republicans, or conservatives, or traditionalists, or the President, or me, or my face, or my churlish demeanor, and expect to get away with it. We WILL find you and we WILL extort a billion dollars out of you.”
At press time, Vance had to be reminded that they were doing this for the sake of Jewish students.
