Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed
It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]
comedy
Trend Watch: Going Commando At Undie Run
Enough is enough. Every time the UV level is a 7, everybody and their mother is out getting sunburnt on Janss in a bikini top. […]
White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month
WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]
It’s True! The Dumbest Man You’ve Ever Met Has Started A Substack
WESTWOOD — Standing at a handsome 5-foot-6, known idiot, failed Biz Econ major, and your sophomore-year Hinge match Brayden Johnson has decided to start a […]
Elon Musk Bullied To Tears In Fortnite Voice Chat
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Elon Musk was reportedly heard sobbing in a Fortnite Zero Build voice chat after being bullied by ELON_GETS_0_HOES, a 12-year-old in a […]
Embarrassing! You’re Wearing The Same Outfit As Your Profile Picture
WESTWOOD — Uh oh! After giving your Instagram to a cute classmate, they pointed out that you’re wearing the same outfit as your profile picture. […]
I Lived It: An Old Friend Reached Out Just To Share Their Beats
It’s a cool early summer evening. The moon is glowing, the stars are shining, and I’m taking advantage of this peaceful night by scrolling through […]
Julio Frenk Takes “Fuck the Police” Seriously, Last Seen Naked In Royce Hall
WESTWOOD — After a recent protest marched up to Murphy Hall, home of the office of the chancellor, Julio Frenk decided to hear out the […]
Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way
HELL — Following a trip to the local mirror maze, resident genius Leon Noel scoffed at all the morons in there going the wrong direction. […]