Student Caught Taking Banana Out Of BPlate Fatally Shot
WESTWOOD — Following changes in UCLA dining policy, second-year physiological science major Hannah Dunham was fatally shot Tuesday after being caught smuggling a banana out […]
comedy
Pledge Comes Clean: ‘Hazing Made Me A Better Person’
WESTWOOD — While some may join a fraternity for camaraderie, school spirit, or alcohol, first-year Business Economics major Chad Sookmidic has disclosed that hazing is […]
Boelter Scientists Announce Creation Of Slowest Elevator Possible
WESTWOOD — During a press conference late Thursday evening, a team of scientists from Boelter Hall announced that they had created the slowest elevator possible. […]
RA Tacks Condoms To Lounge Wall To Promote Safer Sex
WESTWOOD — In preparation for Valentines’ Day, fourth-year RA and president of UCLA Sexperts Abby Stinence has used thumbtacks to pin condoms to the wall […]
Westwood Resident Forced To Use Candle For Non-BDSM Reasons
WESTWOOD — Due to a power outage, a Westwood resident was forced to use a candle as a light source rather than for its primary […]
Vegan’s ‘Ethical Diet’ Sourced Exclusively Through Child Labor
WESTWOOD — Local vegan Polly Mitchell shared her advice Tuesday on how to live a more ethical lifestyle through her sustainable snacks produced by children […]
Trader Joe’s Reveals Most Sales Come From That One Tote Bag
TRADER JOE’S HEADQUARTERS — Trader Joe’s executives have revealed that most of their sales for the year of our lord 2023 have come from their […]
REPORT: The People In Line At Kerckhoff Definitely Want To Hear About Your Sex Life
WESTWOOD — A survey conducted by the Daily Bruin concluded that the patrons of the historic Kerckhoff Coffee House definitely want to learn all the […]
Historic UCLA Rugby Hazing Ritual Ruined By Guy Who Just Loves To Drink Piss
WESTWOOD — UCLA’s rugby team has been forced to brainstorm new “bonding activities” for potential new members after, to their horror, one student seemed a […]
Fat Sal’s Goes On Ozempic
WESTWOOD — In an attempt to rebrand as a skinny queen, Fat Sal’s is saying bye-bye to grease and hello to semaglutide in its famous […]