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National

the polar express with multiple CGI children flying off of it.

Polar Express Sued For Child Endangerment

December 15, 2025 Alyssa Wong 0

NORTH POLE — In a press conference today, parents of former Polar Express passengers announced they are suing the magical train line for endangering their […]

Epstein Island Thanksgiving Seating Chart Only Kids’ Tables

November 26, 2025 Maggie Kwan 0

LITTLE SAINT JAMES — The latest low-resolution document dump of the Epstein Files revealed a 2004 Thanksgiving seating chart consisting of only kids’ tables. “Some […]

Japanese Newborn Named Hernández Kiké

November 16, 2025 Aidan Keo 0

KOBE, JAPAN — In response to the wave of Latino infants being named after Japan’s cultural exports such as Goku and Roki Sasaki, Japanese sports […]

Cuomo Promises Curtis Sliwa Sexual Favors to Drop Out Of Mayoral Election

November 4, 2025 Ean Soh 0

NEW YORK CITY — In a last-ditch effort to thwart frontrunner Zohran Mamdani, independent Andrew Cuomo has promised Republican candidate Curtis Sliwa undisclosed sexual favors […]

Government Shutdown Finally Hits Canvas

October 20, 2025 Zach Fischer 0

WESTWOOD — Students everywhere awoke this morning to the modern equivalent of snow outside their windows: Canvas has been shut down due to bipartisan gridlock. […]

Penn State Score Prediction: 22 Dead, 83 Injured

October 4, 2025 Funny Marcus 0

PASADENA — As Penn State’s Nittany Lions prepare to play the Bruins this Saturday, recent reports from the top experts at FanDuel Sportsbook have revealed […]

Trump’s $1 Billion Settlement Shuts Down The Westwood Enabler

August 9, 2025 Rachana Aithal 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Westwood Enabler has been shut down. On Friday, the Trump administration sent UCLA their proposal for a $1 billion settlement, in […]

Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research

August 2, 2025 Georgia McNeill 0

WESTWOOD — After the Trump administration justified cutting research funding to UCLA by citing concerns of antisemitism, Jews and Gentiles alike were shocked when the […]

Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed

August 1, 2025 Alex Yang 0

It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]

two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

Skeletons In Closet Come Out

June 29, 2025 Maggie Kwan 0

Posts pagination

1 2 … 35 »
  • Backpacking Club Announces Trip To Public Affairs Building

    WESTWOOD — This Friday, the UCLA Backpacking Club announced it will be taking its advanced group on the 15-mile trek from Gardenia to the Public […]

  • Local Pizza Delivery Boy Shocked At Scantily-Clad Customer’s Lack of Money

    RANCHO MURIETA — A local pizza delivery boy faced a shock last night when he delivered to a scantily-clad woman who didn’t have the funds […]

  • UCPD Enlists California Highway Patrol to Boost Middling Police Violence Rates

    WESTWOOD — Following weeks of peace and safety on campus, UCPD has announced a partnership with the California Highway Patrol in an attempt to restore […]

  • Opinion: To Solve UCLA’s Financial Challenges, We Must Invest More Money Into Israel

    Hey guys. Westwood Enabler opinion writer Oiluj Knerf here. I’m a UCLA student just like you! I love my friends, I love my classes, and […]

  • UCLA Administration Goes On Strike to Protest AFSCME

    WESTWOOD — This past week, UCLA administration has bravely taken to the streets to protest the injustices committed by the “pesky” AFSCME labor union. “It’s […]

Featured Authors

Grace McIntyre
  • UCLA Opens “B-ruining Lives” Resource Center For Student Anti-Wellbeing
  • Opinion: If You A Stressed Baddie Who Procrastinated Before Canvas Went Down, This One’s For You
  • A Letter To Prospective Student Tour Groups: I’m Better Than You
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Zach Fischer
  • Backpacking Club Announces Trip To Public Affairs Building
  • UCLA Administration Goes On Strike to Protest AFSCME
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