Polar Express Sued For Child Endangerment
NORTH POLE — In a press conference today, parents of former Polar Express passengers announced they are suing the magical train line for endangering their […]
National
Epstein Island Thanksgiving Seating Chart Only Kids’ Tables
LITTLE SAINT JAMES — The latest low-resolution document dump of the Epstein Files revealed a 2004 Thanksgiving seating chart consisting of only kids’ tables. “Some […]
Japanese Newborn Named Hernández Kiké
KOBE, JAPAN — In response to the wave of Latino infants being named after Japan’s cultural exports such as Goku and Roki Sasaki, Japanese sports […]
Cuomo Promises Curtis Sliwa Sexual Favors to Drop Out Of Mayoral Election
NEW YORK CITY — In a last-ditch effort to thwart frontrunner Zohran Mamdani, independent Andrew Cuomo has promised Republican candidate Curtis Sliwa undisclosed sexual favors […]
Government Shutdown Finally Hits Canvas
WESTWOOD — Students everywhere awoke this morning to the modern equivalent of snow outside their windows: Canvas has been shut down due to bipartisan gridlock. […]
Penn State Score Prediction: 22 Dead, 83 Injured
PASADENA — As Penn State’s Nittany Lions prepare to play the Bruins this Saturday, recent reports from the top experts at FanDuel Sportsbook have revealed […]
Trump’s $1 Billion Settlement Shuts Down The Westwood Enabler
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Westwood Enabler has been shut down. On Friday, the Trump administration sent UCLA their proposal for a $1 billion settlement, in […]
Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
WESTWOOD — After the Trump administration justified cutting research funding to UCLA by citing concerns of antisemitism, Jews and Gentiles alike were shocked when the […]
Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed
It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]
