UCLA is full of beautiful, talented, funny, smart, and well-rounded women. I am not one of them. And that’s okay! I can clean the hell out of an oven, and, if she’s still alive, I can crush your grandma in bridge. Last Halloweekend, I witnessed beautiful women transform lingerie they found in the back of their roommates’ closets into a costume using only a measly pair of cat ears. While lazy as shit, I have to admit they made my whiskers perk up, if you know what I mean. In contrast, my shivering ass got kicked out of a party for being dressed as a slutty slut (thanks for the suggestion, Westwood Enabler!) This made me wonder: what’s left for us mediocre bitches?
The answer came to me in an email from my TA, reminding me that despite the holiday, we still had to attend class for our 5/8ths term exam. While I am not going to stand out on any ordinary weekend, Veteransdaynight might be my shot to find what all girls are looking for: a brief fling with a man who has the aura of a rodent being forced to defend American Psycho in a court of law. Hey sailor! Welcome back from war! Come get all marine up in my corps.
No, you will not meet the love of your life tonight. But you could meet a frat brother in his 44th year of business school who does not yet know that the Twin Towers fell and is still committed to his soul patch. In the spirit of the holiday, he will certainly be wowed that your dirty little mouth can recite all citizen deaths from the War of 1812, arguably the most relevant war to contemporary life. If you’re a solid six (five, if we’re being honest), Veteran Avenue is the place to be tonight. I know I’ll be partying. In honor of the troops, of course.