What To Expect From The Hill’s New Fitness Center

Source: Wiki Commons
Source: Wiki Commons
A rendering of what the gym might look like. (Source: Wiki Commons)

The Hill’s new 14,000 square-foot fitness center opens this week, providing on-campus residents with a convenient spot to get in their daily workout. Here are a few things we can expect from BFit:

  • Cold Juice Bar: Bfit’s cold juice bar will be a good change of pace compared to Wooden’s controversial “pipin’ hot juice bar”.

  • Lighter Weights: Weights will be 30% lighter, meaning students will have to work thirty percent harder to get a full workout.

  • Treadmills For All Body Types: A treadmill for everybody—literally. Treadmills will come in a variety of flattering shapes and colors to ensure that you look as fit as possible while pretending to work out.

  • Hangover Treatment: To complement B-Plate’s light breakfasts, Bfit will feature a soda fountain that serves Pedialyte, ginger ale, coffee, liquid bacon, and other wives’ tales-themed hangover cures.

  • Aquatic Fitness Center: Bfit will have a pool shaped like John Wooden’s right nostril, complete with pool noodles to simulate nose hairs.

  • Stationary Cycles: This innovative new workout equipment will allow you to remain stationary while the bike does all the moving.

  • Individual Television: Each machine will have its own two-channel television. Channel A will feature John Wooden interviews on repeat, while Channel B will feature a live stream of Gene Block’s office.

  • Sauna: Bfit’s sauna will drain directly into the reservoir used to create B-Plate’s signature flavored waters.

  • Way-too-personal Trainer: Bfit’s new trainer Ricardo will ask you a wide variety of questions on topics ranging from your parents’ divorce to that weird growth on your left foot. If need be, he will also leave his hands on you for half a second too long when he’s adjusting your form.

  • Protein Lottery: Every time you use Bfit, you have the chance to be randomly selected for a raw egg white injection directly into your forehead. You’ll never know when or where that needle’s gonna strike, so be ready.

  • Selfie Mirror: Finally, your ex who still follows you on Instagram will know that you really are getting your life together and becoming a better person—just like I told you I would, Samantha!

  • Elliptical Trainer: Specially calibrated to be the same size as those weird steps outside Covel.

  • Salad Room: Self-explanatory.