UCLA Unveils New Student Fee

Block’s at it again.

WESTWOOD — UCLA students and faculty gathered in Bruin Plaza this past Friday to observe Gene Block ceremonially unveil the university’s newest student fee.

Simply named the “True Bruin” fee, the payment of $20 at the start of each quarter will go to an array of causes. “We the optimists have long held ourselves to a higher standard of fiscal excess — I mean, excellence; excuse me — and it is with both tremendous pride and humility that I announce this exciting new fee,” said Block, unaware of exactly what he was describing as he read the ghostwritten speech for the first time. “I want to reiterate UCLA’s commitment to the humble piety and perceived well-being of our entire UCLA community. I urge you to pay for the resources we provide.”

With many left dissatisfied with Block’s lack of clarity regarding the new fee, the Enabler reached out to Executive Vice Chancellor and provost Scott Waugh for comment.

“The fees will undoubtedly usher in a new era of True Bruin excellence,” said Waugh, frantically fishing for more clichés to rattle off. “We intend to allocate the revenue from these fees towards a number of great projects for the UCLA community, including the further preservation of John Wooden’s memory and a new extension conference center in Beverly Hills. We feel that by spending these fees on such projects, the money will go right back to the students.”

When reached for comment, an anonymous source within the Undergraduate Students Associated Council (USAC) hailed the new fees as a “fantastic asset to student government,” noting that the extra student fees will also allow them to add an extra retreat each year. “And we’ll even be able to get the good alcohol this time — not that shitty Prestige. Nothing fosters a collaborative work environment and student advocacy quite like a bottle of Grey Goose, am I right?” said the source, adding, “the fees may seem steep to some, but hey, at least my parents are the ones paying for it.”

Students eager to start paying the new fee will have to wait, however, as it will not be available on BruinBill until spring 2017.

mm
About Jack Lyons 68 Articles
Area Man. Freelance fraternity president. Aspiring father of two. Probable future Nobel laureate. Occasionally collude with Russia.