UCLA Students In Uproar Over Cookie Shortage

Mmm, supporting female leadership amongst the youth.
Moments before the riot began, a mom snapped this picture.
Moments before the riot began, a mom snapped this picture.

WESTWOOD – Police were called in today to break up a riot that started after an unnamed pre-med student purchased the last box of Thin Mints. Girl Scouts from troop 60918 set up a booth sale on Bruin Walk in order to capitalize on the student population. They did not, however, plan on running out of goods.

“We were just, um, selling, um, you know, cookies? And then we ran out and a boy got really angry,” says McKenna Cook, a 2nd grader who was behind the table when the riots broke out. Witnesses report that after a student bought the last box of Thin Mints, he ran away triumphantly, waving his arms vigorously before being tackled and subdued by a member of the powerlifting club. Other members from the club took the box and ran before being stopped by Intervarsity club members who were flyering at the time.

“It was a riot,” says Officer Mahoney of the UCPD, who was the first to arrive at the scene. “And I don’t mean one of them nice organized riots with signs, either. Just students pounding away at each other, willing to kill for a handful of Samoas.”

Fifteen students were rushed to Ronald Reagan Medical Center with injuries sustained from the riot. Officer Mahoney says that while it is clear the injuries came from the riot, it will be difficult to charge anyone with assault or battery as there were too many students to identify one clear offender. The most minor of injuries was a deeply cut finger, while the most severe included three broken ribs, a fractured spine, and a broken heart.

“We won’t be coming back next year. Not with this kind of violence,” says troop leader Kaitlyn Arnold.

Mmm, supporting female leadership amongst the youth.
Mmm, supporting female leadership amongst the youth.

“Thankfully the girls already had their first aid badges, so they were able to respond to the emergency quickly and with great care.” Arnold states that the girls pulled out first aid kits and quickly began to help wounded students. Though some were initially frightened, others reminded them that this was what they signed up for when they joined the Scouts.

“A boy, he had a cut on his hand, and I put a bandage on it. I think he went to the hospital anyways, though,” Cook comments. The second and third graders were quickly ushered off campus by Arnold and their troop leader. In the chaos, several remaining boxes were stolen. Arnold begrudgingly admits that profits from the sale did make up for the loss.

“We sold over 500 boxes of cookies, which has never happened before. And with this mess, will probably never happen again.”

About Jessica Waite 41 Articles
Jessica Waite is a 4th year Comparative Literature student who spends more time with her hamster than with other people. Her interests include animals (all), people (few), and social justice (80%).

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