WESTWOOD—After an anonymous student reported a brutalized parakeet toppling out of the fridge during office hours, UCPD discovered nearly a dozen strangled pets from a fridge in the office of 34 year-old Engineering TA Richard Timmons. “I opened my fridge to retrieve my daily 2:30 Sierra Mist, but completely forgot the fridge was full of all the pets I’ve strangled,” said Timmons, currently out on bail, donning a cowl made from the skin of his neighbor’s golden retriever. “I know this kind of behavior seems ghoulish, but I really didn’t mean any harm by it—except to the animals, I hope they suffered like Jesus. Really though, I’ve developed a method of manufacturing polyurethane that should increase efficiency by at least 0.4%, so I expect people will forgive me if I snuff out a seeing a eye dog or my daughter’s class rabbit.” In addition to numerous counts of cruelty to animals, police charged Timmons with manslaughter after a blind woman whose guide-dog Timmons had stolen wandered onto an active construction site and, through a series of cartoonish coincidences, managed to plummet to her death from a protruding 23rd floor I-beam.
About Nathan Grovhoug 22 Articles
Nathan is an exquisite writer and talented author. His writing is good too. He raised horses on the Iberian peninsula for 14 years, until a fallen nun named Rosina stole his herd, and his heart. They tried to reconcile during a chance meeting in Rotterdam 7 years later, but their love had been cast away, just like waking memories of a bitter autumn.