Superbowl Analysts Expect Record Number Of Blazings

By , in National News Sports on .
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At least 70,000 spectators intend to get “high as fuck” over the course of the game.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — In preparation for today’s Superbowl 48, which pits the Seattle Seahawks against the Denver Broncos, officials at MetLife Stadium have completed arrangements for what is expected to be a record number of blazings within stadium’s vicinity. To accommodate the vast number of Washington and Colorado natives who will be attending the game, New Jersey authorities have temporarily suspended the state’s drug laws, allowing spectators to “blaze up at will” as they would in their home states. Improved amenities now include over 80,000 portions of nachos, a text proofreading service run by sober staff members, as well as an express shuttle to local Carl’s Jrs.

“Already we have seen the effects that 40,000 stoned-out-of-their-mind individuals can have on a neighborhood,” said urban planner Susan Black. “We are still clearing up the remnants of drum circles and philosophy sessions that were had between rival Seahawks and Niners fans at the NFC Championship game a only few weeks ago. Our best bet now is to simply help the droves of pot heads have a better Superbowl experience, rather than ignore them.” To avoid another such incident, Susan suggests: “When people get hungry, we need to feed them. When they start to freak out, afraid that they might have forgotten how to breathe, we need someone there to tell them to calm the fuck down, drink some water, and go lie down for a couple of hours.”

Although marijuana estimates may have NFL officials worried, others say that this isn’t exclusively a cause for concern. Indeed, for many college stoners, this will be the first time they will be able to comfortably view the sport. “Yeah, usually football is boring as fuck,” said 3rd year Joseph Edgewater, “but being able to watch a bunch of dudes in tight pants run around, slap each other and chase an egg when you’re high… it’s going to be real chill.”